c:

Sometimes I wish I had a real cause or movement that I can grasp onto and turn to for purpose and concrete meaningfulness. I mean I feel I have spirituality and the idea of god; and I have visual art, and literature. (I consume a lot of books, and I like to look at drawings and paintings, and comics/sketches, and etc.). I also sense that I have hobbies, like drawing, photography, watching certain kinds of niche films (subject-specific films), and etc. And I feel that I have a strong connection to certain historical movements and figures—I have love for the human struggle and the human condition. I tend to get interested in the overarching themes and challenges of a person’s life; I tend to root for them and want things to go well for them. I want them to succeed. I get attached to the struggler’s journey—I’m emotionally attached to the developments and significant happenings in his/her life. People who go through a lot of turmoil in their lives are more interesting than even political figures and people involved in public policy, and stuff like that. I mean anybody can become involved in public policy—all you have to do is study it and go into it in a formal way. Not everyone can pick themselves up after a difficult life and still find meaning in their lives, though. Faith, hope, and a positive outlook on life is actually more special than even the loftiest positions in society, and even the most important professional accomplishments, and etc.

Well I actually don’t look at individuals in an overly-analyzing way—I think there are a lot of difficult circumstances and grey-area issues that one is unaware of if s/he decides to study a (semi)public figure—either from the past, or a currently-living figure. There’s a lot of information about public figures that is unknown and unknowable. So, analyzing their lives on the basis of the known information—recorded documents, for example—is insufficient with respect to formulating a complete narrative and arc about them. I’m interested in people who were in the creative-work industry and the social-issues sector, and the religious/interfaith community. But I don’t pass judgment on any aspect of their lives; their motives, character traits, and even their own work remain uncommented on, by me. Everyone figures things out as they go along. I guess mercy, understanding, and leniency (and non-judgment) is crucial when you’re dealing with biographical detail, and human study.

So, biography and connecting with the human story and condition—the hero’s journey, the underdog story—was always something I’ve found meaning in. And so naturally I spend a significant amount of time reading biographies, watching biopics and docs, researching famous people online, and etc. That’s where I find a great deal of meaning and happiness, somehow. 

I’ve never been very political or social issues-oriented, and so I’ve always felt a bit left out of that particular trajectory. I honestly just like drawing and photography, and things like that. But I didn’t think that that was good enough; I didn’t think it was good enough to be a craftsperson and a ‘service-provider,’ in that manner. I thought you had to strive to become involved in the restructuring and reimagining of the world, somehow–I thought you had to become involved in the systemic betterment of society. And so I didn’t believe it was good enough to help in whatever way you can—I didn’t see photography and design (and illustration and art, and etc.) as important enough, for some reason. The fact that all skills and offerings are appreciated by certain enthusiasts and organizations, and organizational departments and subheadings, had slipped my mind. I forgot that there’s always a market for one’s skills and services, and that there is always a community of like-minded people that will appreciate your work. And so I had gotten sidetracked for a long time; I kept thinking that I had to go into research-related work, publishing work, and the like. I actually did display some initial talent in things like editing, academic research in an undergraduate context, writing, and etc. I eventually left that entire field, though; I couldn’t continue on with it, for various reasons. If I had stayed on with it, I would have went into disability studies, book and magazine publishing, and maybe nonprofit fundraising and coordination. But I’m glad I changed course—the whole theoretical and reading-intensive thing is not for me. It was never my thing. I was decent at it, I think; I was comparable to other students, especially in that introductory, academic setting. But I was uncomfortable and deeply out of place; I couldn’t find my footing and my foundation. (I couldn’t even rly focus, either; I had some cognitive difficulty, a real health condition which made it hard for me.)

And so I don’t feel that I’ve really found my true purpose in life, yet. I mean illustration, design, and photography are my work, they’re what I’ve chosen to do for a living; god and the idea of spirituality are what I’m living for, they’re my reason and overall purpose/comfort. But um, why am I here – what is the thing I’m here to do? Work—even if it’s passion-work—is coincidental, a lot of the time. It doesn’t define you. For me, it’s not really the true core of what I am. I tolerate it simply because it gives me something to do throughout the day, it fills my time with something interesting. And I was lucky enough to get the chance to do something that I like, even if it doesn’t compensate as much as certain other professions. I feel that my circumstances and life occurrences had unfolded in such a way as to cautiously lead me to art and design, to photography and visual communication, and etc. I don’t ‘absolutely love’ it enough to consider it my whole identity and purpose, though. If anything, personal projects and independent creative work is much more stimulating and enjoyable than work you have to do for someone else, for a company or for an organization. They often want the creations to be done in a specific way, and at a strict deadline. There’s often not as much creative freedom as one would like. Actually, things like graphic design and photography—working for a design studio or for the communications department of an organization—(being a staff photographer or an in-house designer) often stipulates that you work to create materials that are appropriate for the specific projects at hand. And you produce under deadlines; and you communicate back-and-forth with senior staff and with directors to ensure that the work is ok and is eventually ready to go into print//production; and etc. It’s sometimes not as completely creative as one would like it to be, and there are several peripheral responsibilities and subsidiary tasks that you have to do. It’s a job like any other, in that sense.

And so I’m trying to figure out a real meaning and logical arc and bend for my life, right now. It can’t be ‘work,’ my profession; it can’t even be god/spirituality, even though I do believe in god and in a Plan for humanity, and for our existence in this world. -I think the logical arc has to be something that’s more of a personal consideration and interest; it probably won’t be something societally relevant, socially-relevant. I’ve always thought that sharing one’s artistic creations–visual artwork, creative literature, and etc.–with others, with the wider public; whether through self-publishing, or through more-traditional publishing and distribution–and the community that comes out of it, the hope that it gives people; I always thought that that is really cool and worthwhile. *It’s obviously not the most important thing in the world; it doesn’t help solve systemic problems, or anything. But I’ve already established and accepted about myself that I’m not going down those roads; I’m not going to be ‘one of those people’ who are critical to life, to our functioning and our breathing, and etc. I’m not like that, I’m not even into that sort of thing.

ty.*